Are you scared?
Everyone’s been asking me “Are you scared?”
So I am gonna mass answer 🙂
No! and yes…
I am so much more anxious than scared. I can’t wait to get it done! Even thinking about all the things that could go wrong or the pain or any of that. It’s like I just want to do it and see what’s going to happen. I may have no complications or I may. But let’s get this show on the road so I can find out and let the anxiety of the what if’s fall away. Scared, yes a little. But not because of my choice. Not over the loss of potentially harmful breast tissue. That part I am beyond excited about. I can’t wait to get these “ticking time bombs” off of my chest. Let’s be real. It’s a matter of time and I feel so fortunate to be 31 years old and not have breast cancer yet. My Mom was dead at 32, that’s 1 year from now for me! My only fears are the same fears I would have were I about to undergo any major surgery. I hope I wake up from the anesthesia. I really prefer to be the one to intubate not the one being intubated. Man, this is gonna hurt. Hope my nipples make it. I haven’t been drinking enough water like I should. God, I’m gonna miss my babies. How is the world going to continue spinning without me taking care of everything!!!! I still need to pack – where’s that list…
See, normal surgery fears no matter what the circumstance is. I’ve been running around like a crazy(er) person lately trying to plan and then over plan while still being there for everyone else. I am ex-haus-ted and thinking in 3 days everything will stop. That’s an unfathomable thought for me right now. Hmmm, it will be nice to sleep! Also depending on other people to take care of the things in my life I won’t be able to do. Whoa, HUGE deal for me there. I suck at asking for help…as in I refuse to do it. I even suck at accepting help that is offered to me. God’s been trying to teach me that one for a year or more. Now here I am in a situation that it’s virtually unavoidable to not have help and tons of people are sincerely offering it. It’s been incredible really. To the point I feel selfish for all the things people are doing for me. From giving me frozen meals for post surgery, to doing my laundry, setting up a schedule to take my son to baseball, offering child care, driving me to the hospital, Grandma decorating the room with my mom’s picture that she is going to care for me in afterward. A co-worker is coming to finish some house repairs, and I have so many functional and thoughtful gifts to prepare me for the hospital and after. Countless prayers have meant so much too. I am so, so, so blessed. I have to share the beautiful pillow that my friend Diane gave to me.
She said this is for when you need to hug someone you love and they’re not there after your surgery. Talk about waterworks! These are my 4 children who are staying with their Dad until I am off of pain meds and my Mother who passed from breast cancer and I haven’t been able to hug in 18 years. It’s amazing how much I have been loved on by people around me. What a sweet woman to do this for me.
I will be at RDH Thursday morning and have to stay for observation at least 24 hours. The surgery should last 3-4 hours and I will have my girlfriend post to everyone on FB when I am awake. My posts afterward will probably have a more medical focus for those that are curious or going through PBM. If you have a weak stomach beware. I will post pictures and details once I’m alert enough. I wish they’d video tape it, how cool would that be!
This is my last day of work and will probably be my last post until after surgery. I have to get my to do list completed and get ahead on my college classes. Love you all, thank you for reading and your continuous support through out this.
Just because it’s one of my current favorites