feeling alone is scary
This is the scariest blog I’ve written. In an attempt to be transparent and helpful I’m opening myself up more than ever. I’m not very mushy although I love the idea of romance. I can be emotional but it takes a while for anyone to be allowed to see that in me. Still can’t believe I’m going to share this with the “world”. I’ve read and reread it a thousand times, adding and removing things. Facts and logic are usually more my thought process. Showing emotion is hard for me, writing it is slightly easier. I’m supposed to be the tough one. I handle things. I take care of everything for everybody. I’m the glue so I can’t be weak. Maybe this sounds like you?
Well, here goes…
I read an article about dating the independent woman.
The title How to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved caught my attention. I feel the title describes me very well. I don’t know how to let people I date go out of their way for me. In reading the article it was not me at all though. Kind of strange how we wish to identify with other people. Almost like it may make us not feel like such an oddity. Maybe it will justify our feelings or behaviors if other people are the same way. Look at how many people follow blogs of other people who have something in common. Or conventions for all kinds of people. Some dress up like animals, some are UFO fanatics, tattoo or gun conventions and the list goes on. Seriously, google it…some of it’s pretty funny stuff. Anyway, point is it seems we like to feel like we fit in especially when we…don’t?
Well. I’m pretty sure I don’t fit into any oneThe box. I may have a few things that others can identify with though. I definitely fit into the independent woman category. I don’t ask for help. I have a really hard time accepting help even when it’s forced on me. For some reason I have to do things on my own. It’s as though I have something to prove. Mostly to myself and partially to every single other person on earth. I hate pity or being looked at as though I can’t do something or need help. This has proven to be pretty disastrous in the dating world. Which is my introduction to the heart of this blog.
I have been separated from my husband since February of 2013. We were together for 10 years with a year and a half separation right in the middle. I have been married most of my adult life and I honestly loved it. Not that the marriage was good, it was just that being a wife was awesome to me. I enjoy commitment, coming home to the same person, cleaning, cooking, traveling with someone you love. Feeling like someone has your back and vice versa. I guess going through life with someone you feel is on your side.
Divorce Sucks. Being lonely sucks too. However, I have to remind myself often that being with someone and still feeling lonely is the worst lonely in the world.
That’s hard to remember when you go home to an empty house and pour cereal for dinner because it’s not really worth cooking for yourself when your kids aren’t home. Seems like some of the joy of everyday things like that I used to have is missing. I know some people stay alone forever and they are happy and satisfied. That’s just not something I think is meant for me, could be wrong.
So without getting into my lonely nights any further, I am trying to say that going through this experience as a single, almost 31 year old mom is intimidating to me. Not even thinking of the topic of dating after PBM yet. That’s an entirely different monster. Just actually having a major surgery and being helpless afterward is scary to me! Especially as a strong willed do it myself girl. I feel like I will be such a burden on my friends and family. I hate to depend on someone else that is not responsible for me. Those of you who know me know that I love to help other people and feel needed. It’s a double standard I know…sorry…working on it though!
I worry if the kids will be ok without me for an entire week, the longest I’ve been away from them. Then they come back and I’m still not 100%. I won’t be allowed to drive for a while. How will I get the garbage can to the end of the driveway. Heck, how will I get the trash out of the trash can? It becomes comical the little things I think of. I have been in major nesting mode considering this impending surgery too. I’ve rearranged, purged house stuff, repainted and decorated my sons room and about to do my daughters room. I plan to make freezer crock pot meals before hand to lessen the burden too. It’s strange the things you worry about when you know you’re about to be down for a while.
Then there’s the simple intimacy of having a husband to share my thoughts about the surgery with. My fears…my insecurities…my worries. Having someone to cry to, laugh with or just hold. Even as a strong woman I really did find comfort in the “strong man” factor. Someone that wants to take care of you, get you a drink, help you shower, give you your medicine on time all because they simply adore you! Ok, that never really happened to me but it sounds so nice doesn’t it? It DOES actually happen. There are really men out there who do those kinds of things, crazy right? I know.
Sleeping in the hospital alone seems scary too. Not because I won’t be taken care of but because the fact that I am single and feel abandoned will be so blatant. I dread the look on the nurses face when I’m in the hospital alone. Much like the one I got when I was left alone in the hospital after having my son. That pity thing again, ugh. Very much the same look that I would have were I the nurse, I’m sure.
I know I will get through this. I will become stronger because of it. Truthfully I am trying to make sure that stronger does not turn into harder. I have a tendency to push away and do the tough thing a little too well.
As I have said before, I am so fortunate to have many people who pour love into my life. I am not discounting everything they have done for me. I could never repay or deserve the encouragement, help, kindness and love I have received from so many different people in my life. I don’t think I could even begin to go through with this if it weren’t for them. I am simply writing some of my raw feelings of going through this as a single woman to help someone else who may be feeling the same things. Like I said, it can be helpful to identify with someone. Just know your feelings are valid. Your fears are not silly, even the ones like taking out the trash. I still am not sure how all of mine will work out and maybe one day I will find the one I can share my intimate thoughts with again. Maybe I can learn to let someone love me. Until then I will try to encourage and relate to the ones God has put in the same place as me.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.
If I am going through it I know it is for a reason. What a waste if I can’t help someone else through my trials and triumphs. So to all the single ladies taking one day at a time, you’re not alone. And all the many women I see dealing with this with a supportive spouse who takes really good care of you, keep doting on them, they deserve it.