Prone To Wander Again and Again and Again
Someone once-ish, told me I was a control freak. They’re might’ve been something to that.
I have deep reasons for the way I do things. Probably because of some book or article I’ve read, making me over think just a bit. There are things that I just like to happen a certain way. Also, I am a fixer. It sucks, btw. I look at a situation, see a solution and think ‘why can’t we just do this (my way)?’. It’s taking me a lifetime to realize that…
#1 My way might be right but it doesn’t make yours wrong. There can be two or three “rights”!
#2 Just because I see a logical solution doesn’t mean I understand the emotional problem that makes my logic invalid.
#3 If I try it your way instead, I might just learn something. I might also be giving you validation that helps you grow.
These are things I’ve seen in my job field, parenting, marriage etc. That little control freak inside me hates this thinking. It wants to just fix it and be done. Like when it’s so much easier to pick up your 3 year olds toys for them than to watch them pick up each one and kiss it, swing it around and pick up another before the first one actually makes it into the toy box. But, just like it’s a necessary evil for me to patiently let the toddler clean up after themselves, I have to sometimes take a step back for other peoples ways too.
Lately this has come into focus in my faith relationship.
Along with my controlling tendency there’s a worrying tendency. They seem to go hand-in-hand. My all time favorite verse is Phillipians 4:6-7.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
I’m not going to go into it too thoroughly, I have another post coming on that scripture. I will point out that it does not say and God will give you that request. It says “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding.” I am so like a 2 year old in the ‘why’ phase of life. I want to know why!? Things need to make sense, right? Recently I’ve had things on my heart that didn’t have an easy solution. I actually did not know the right answer to fix it, astonishing I know. I laid in bed, awake, and started to repeat Phil 4:6-7. Realizing what I was saying I began to pray (like it says to do, duh Jess).
“Lord, I just want _______ fixed! I don’t know how, but I want this result. You say to let my request be made known to you and you will give me peace. Well, that’s my request. I know you give this person free will but you also control everything. My mind can’t really comprehend that completely but I’m giving it to you. All I’m asking is for that peace that you say you will give us that doesn’t make any sense because I feel like I could explode inside and could really use your peace.”
Now, I’ve repeated this scripture to myself countless times. Sometimes because of the same problem that hasn’t been fixed. Sometimes, because I wasn’t leaving my worry there when I was done. I picked it right back up, trying to figure out how to fix it myself! Forgetting that I gave that to God and the first part says “Do not be anxious about anything”. <—- not my forte.
A good friend was telling me about part of a devotion she had heard. I cannot give credit because I have no idea who it was or the actual quote. The part that hit me was something about nobody being at Jesus tomb waiting for him to come back from the dead. He had spent the past few years telling his disciples He was going to come back 3 days after his death but not a single one was there waiting for it to happen. Interesting. So, they wallowed in their grief and weren’t waiting for him to come back…like He said He would. They didn’t trust what He said? Not in their actions at least.
Guilty. That’s totally me! I believe that God has a plan for me. I believe that God wants what’s best for me. I believe that God hears me when I pray. I believe that if God doesn’t give me what I think I want it’s because he has a better way than I can even understand! But, I’m not waiting at the tomb. I’m too busy being sad or worried. What I need to be doing is waiting. Watching to see God do all those things he said he would. My attitude shouldn’t be to stress after I pray. I need to do what I have in my power to do. Then I should be excited, thinking ‘I can’t wait to see how God’s gonna handle this one! Lord, where should I be waiting?’
I’ve been in the midst of God’s miracles many times in my life. He’s done mind blowing things personally for me. Still my heart tends to wander. “For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
How my heart needs this reminder more often than not. I hope if you are struggling with something that you have been praying over, you are able to lay it down. Trust His way, His timing and accept His peace that we can’t begin to understand.
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